Dating on purpose: getting clear on what you actually want

Most of us were never taught how to date. We were taught to wait and hope the right person shows up. So we drift. We say yes to whoever is in front of us. We stay too long in things that are going nowhere, and then the same pattern repeats. Dating on purpose means you know what you want and what you will not accept. You choose for yourself, even when your family, your age or your fear is pushing.

If dating feels harder than it looked for the women before you, you are not imagining it. When the Pew Research Center asked American adults about it, 47 per cent said dating had got harder over the previous ten years, and 19 per cent said easier. That is American data, so it shows a direction and does not measure your street. Researchers writing in The Conversation blame the drifting on the same thing this guide does. Nobody says what they are looking for, so everybody waits.

What is the difference between drifting and dating on purpose?

Drifting looks like this. You meet someone and follow along to see where it goes. You skip the direct questions because you do not want to scare him off. Months of good morning texts pass, sometimes years, and you still cannot say what this is. When you date on purpose, you stay warm, open and yourself. You also know where you are headed, so you can tell early whether he is walking the same way. One conversation about where this is going can save you two years.

How do I know what I actually want in a relationship?

Before you choose, know what you are choosing for. Think about the life, and leave the wedding and the aso ebi out of it for now. Do you want marriage, and roughly when? Do you want children? What does a normal Tuesday look like in the relationship you want? How do you want him to speak to you, support you and treat you on an ordinary day? Write it down in plain words. Most women have never done this, so it is easy to get pulled into someone else's plan.

What are standards and non-negotiables in dating?

Standards cover his character and how he treats you. Non-negotiables are the few things that, if they are missing or broken, make the relationship unworkable for you, however much you like him. Honesty and kindness are common ones. So is wanting the same things on faith, money and children. Watch how he treats people who can do nothing for him. Keep the list short. It marks the floor you will not go below. It does not describe a flawless man. Clear standards do not make you harder to love. The right man can see who you are and what you value.

How do I choose when my family keeps asking when I will marry?

Knowing what you want is the easy part. Holding onto it is harder when the pressure comes. An aunty at church asks when you are bringing your man home. Friends keep posting engagement photos. You start to fear that time is running out. The pressure is real, and it is still no reason to settle below your floor. You owe nobody a deadline. Choose a man because he is right for the life you want, and do not choose him because you were tired, scared or running late. A good decision is worth more than a fast one.

Will having standards make me too rigid to enjoy dating?

Use your list as a compass. Do not run people through it like a checklist on a first date. Stay warm and curious, and give people a fair chance to show you who they are. The clarity is for you. It helps you notice early when someone is not walking your way, and it stops you from mistaking chemistry for compatibility. You can enjoy dating and still be choosy.

Common questions

Sources

• Americans' views on dating and relationships. Pew Research Center, 2020.
• Stuck in a talking stage or situationship? How young people can get more out of modern love. The Conversation.
• Nigerians on the dating culture today. Zikoko.