The talking stage: what it is, how long it lasts, and when to end it

The talking stage is the period before a relationship is agreed, when two people are texting, calling and seeing each other but nobody has said what it is. It usually runs a few weeks to about three months. It is meant to be short and it is meant to end in a decision, either a relationship or a clean exit. When it runs past three months with no conversation about what you are, it has stopped being a talking stage and become a situationship.

What the talking stage actually is

It is the getting-to-know-you window. You are talking most days, you are learning how he thinks, and you are working out whether you want this. Nobody has used the word relationship yet and nobody is accountable to anyone.

The reason it exists is reasonable. You do not want to commit to a stranger. The reason it goes wrong is also simple: it has no natural end. Dating had one, courtship had one, and the talking stage has none built in. Somebody has to end it deliberately, and if neither of you does, it just continues.

How long the talking stage lasts

Most people describe a few weeks to three months. There is no rule and anyone quoting you a precise number is guessing.

The useful question is not how long is normal, it is how long is this one and is it still going anywhere. A helpful test: if you cannot tell someone what you are after eight to twelve weeks of near-daily contact, it is not moving, it is idling. That is not the same as being wrong about him. It means the conversation is overdue.

How to know you are in a talking stage

• You talk most days, but plans are made late and loosely.
• You have not been introduced to anyone who matters to him.
• Neither of you has used the words relationship, girlfriend or dating out loud.
• You are not sure whether he is talking to other people, and you have not asked.
• You find yourself explaining the situation to your friends with the phrase it is complicated.

The last one is the giveaway. A talking stage you are comfortable with is easy to describe. One you are not is always complicated.

What happens during the talking stage

Long conversations, a lot of texting, a few dates, and a slow read on character. The valuable part is that this is when the information is cheapest to get. How he handles being told no. Whether he is consistent when he gains nothing. How he talks about the last woman. What he says about money, faith and family before there is any pressure to give a correct answer.

This is the stage our standards and non-negotiables worksheet is built for, because deciding what you will not accept is much easier before you are attached.

Do you kiss during the talking stage?

Some people do and some do not, and both are normal. What matters far more than the answer is that it is your answer rather than one you drifted into because saying no felt awkward.

One thing worth knowing plainly: physical escalation does not shorten a talking stage. It usually lengthens it, because it removes the discomfort that would otherwise push somebody to define things. If you want a decision, the conversation is what produces one.

Can you say I love you during the talking stage?

You can say anything you like. The question is what you expect back.

Saying it to someone who has not agreed to a relationship hands them a choice they have not earned, and it very often ends the talking stage in the direction you did not want. If you feel it, the more useful sentence is the one about what you want this to be. Feelings without a definition leave you exactly where you started.

The Nigerian version of this

Two things make the talking stage harder here than the American articles about it admit.

The first is family. There is a real gap between the stage a relationship is at privately and the point at which anyone can be told. A man may be serious and still nowhere near ready to bring you home, and you can spend months unable to tell which it is because the usual signal, meeting people, arrives late by design.

The second is that a long talking stage is expensive for you in a way it is not for him. Your family asks. Church asks. Friends who married at 26 ask. The pressure lands on the woman, which makes ending a going-nowhere talking stage feel like a loss rather than a decision. It is a decision. A man who will not define it in three months has defined it.

For women in the diaspora there is a third: distance turns a talking stage into a permanent texting arrangement with no natural deadline at all. Put a date on it yourself.

What to ask during the talking stage

Ask the things that are awkward now and devastating later. What he wants in the next two years. Whether he wants children and when. What he believes and whether he practises it. How he handles money. What ended the last relationship and what his version of his own fault is.

You are not interrogating him. You are finding out early whether you are building the same thing, which is the entire job of this stage.

Another word for the talking stage

There is no exact older equivalent, which is part of why it causes trouble. Courting and going steady both carried a public declaration. Seeing someone is closer but still implies more than talking does. The nearest honest description is pre-relationship, and the missing declaration is the whole difference.

How to end it properly

Ending a talking stage means one conversation, not a strategy. You say what you want, you ask what he wants, and you accept the answer including the one you did not want.

Our Talk Planner walks you through it: what to say, when to say it, and what each answer actually means. If you have already had that conversation and nothing changed, read what a situationship is, because that is what this now is.

Common questions

Sources

• Neither here nor there: the talking stage as Nigeria's new relationship culture — Afrocritik, 2025
• Stuck in a 'talking stage' or 'situationship'? How young people can get more out of modern love — The Conversation, academic analysis
• 3 ways to make the dreaded talking stage a bit bearable — Verywell Mind